it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Randomize
