coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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