I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Randomize
