do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
