My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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