i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
