it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
