I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
