i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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