Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
