omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well I just put wine in my tea
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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