I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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