TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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