you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
