Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
as a side note pls kill me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
