there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
