I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
