Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
