Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I have post one night stand depression
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
