Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
