you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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