Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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