anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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