So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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