he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.