The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.