ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.