She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
