so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
