its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
