This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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