I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
