12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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