Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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