so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
