I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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