I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
