the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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