i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
