apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
