I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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