I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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