Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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