I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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