Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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