Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
