I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
