Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
