Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Randomize
