Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Randomize
