she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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