People with herpes should wear stickers.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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