Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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