You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that