somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
