I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
