I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize